I missed you.
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Seishirou's gone for one day and Subaru misses him. Will Subaru finally ask Seishirou the questions the demons of his insecurity demand to be answered? (Waffy)


Disclaimer: Clamp owns Tokyo Babylon.  
  
I missed you.  
by Miyamoto Yui  
  
  
I gulped.   
  
I gulped my tea again.  
  
"Ow!" I sputtered as Hokuto-chan held up her hand from just whacking the back of my head.  
  
"What is wrong with you today, Subaru~?!" she whined in her high-pitched voice.  
  
"Nothing..." I answered as I blinked and resumed sipping my tea on the counter.  
  
"You are _so_ not lying to me, Subaru." She tilted her head and folded her arms. "I'm your twin sister and I should know..."  
  
And he just sighed as he heard the usual speech of "I'm your twin and I know everything about you since the time I kicked you and..." on and on it went.  
  
I...well...I-  
  
I couldn't even reason this out in my head. How bad is that?  
  
  
Suddenly, Hokuto-chan's voice came back into my head and startled me with a, "You miss Sei-chan, don't you?"   
  
My head wanted to shake, my hand wanted to pull down my cup, my mouth wanted to say 'no' in that second...but NO.  
  
I spat my tea out of my mouth.  
Like an idiot.  
  
@_@ An idiot for Seishirou-san.  
  
(Insert author's sniffing and nod of agreement here.)  
  
Hokuto laughed her heart out as she pointed at me. I pouted as I wiped my mouth and the counter. Then, I poured out my tea and refilled my cup.  
  
"Oh, god. I've got to tell Sei-chan about THAT one!"  
  
I pulled down my hat over my face so that she wouldn't have to see me turning red for the umpteenth time.  
  
"You're so cute, Subaru," she laughed as she started to wash the dishes. I cleaned the table as I sat back down on the stool.  
  
Then, she turned and stopped laughing. Tilting her head to one side and giving the eyes of a concerned older sister, she said, "Why don't you just tell him you like him?"  
  
I blinked at her.   
  
'Like' isn't the word for it anymore. Gulp.  
  
  
Silence. *cicidas make their usual noise outside*  
  
  
I looked down as I folded my hands on the counter. I almost fidgeted, but then thought that was too dumb to do. And too obvious too.  
"I can't tell him that," I answered almost whispering that.  
  
It was true. I was really embarrassed to say it, but even more so, I was scared of the answer I'd get.  
Even more than that, I...  
  
I sighed.  
  
"And why not? Because you're a guy too?"  
  
Ping pong.  
  
She resumed doing the dishes. "Do you really think that that is such a problem?"  
  
I nodded my head in invisible shame not really knowing why I felt so afraid of admitting my feelings for him. I couldn't even articulate the words I wanted.  
  
"It's so obvious he likes you, Subaru." She nodded to herself. "Yes, that's right."  
  
"I've thought this out," I started. "But..."  
  
I couldn't finish my sentence.  
  
Look at the odds, I wanted to say. For starters, this man is a doctor. He must think it's weird that I'm into this psychic life-style and especially coming from a prominent family that deals with that kind of stuff. He mentioned his family was somewhat like that too, but I couldn't really understand it. Besides, he didn't have to do 'shigoto' like me...or at least I don't think so... Are we really from two different kinds of worlds?  
Then, I've only met him for how many weeks? Three? Okay, three weeks and two days. Yes, I'm pathetic. I actually counted the days.   
On top of all that, he is way older than I am. Nine years older. He should be like a big brother to me...  
  
And then again, he is a man.  
  
Men shouldn't go together. It just isn't normal. Or...at least that is what I've been thinking...  
  
At first I thought there was something wrong with me. I thought that liking him was just a crush that would go away.   
  
"This is just a phase, Subaru," I had told myself. "Everyone goes through this at least once in their life, right?"  
  
But it wasn't.  
  
I looked up to my sister almost desparately with a loss for words.  
  
She wiped her hands and hugged my shoulders. Then, she kissed me on the top of my head. "Don't stress yourself out over this."  
  
She then looked at me face to face as she still held onto my shoulders. Letting one of them go, she pointed at my heart. "What counts is this."  
  
Just like the time people made fun of us for dressing so weirdly, she brushed them off and said, "If you don't like it, then don't look. I like it, so I wear it."  
Then, she walked away.  
  
That's one of the things I liked about Hokuto-chan: She was blunt.  
She knew exactly what she wanted.  
  
  
"I'm going downtown, k? Wanna come?"  
  
I shook my head. "I'll just stay here today."  
  
She nodded her head as she let go of me. Kissing me again on the top of the head, she scolded half-jokingly, "I said stop obsessing over this."  
  
Then, as she walked out the door, she laughed and winked at me, "Sei-chan is just gone for a day. It won't be that bad."  
  
I blinked at her as I closed the door half-way behind her.   
  
"Ja ne!"  
  
"Ja!" I shouted back with a wave. Then after, I closed the door behind me.  
  
"At least I don't have to work today," I said to myself in relief.  
  
I got really stressed out whenever I had to do a 'shigoto'. I didn't know what to do, except what was formally taught to me. My body goes on automatic mode and knows instinctively what to do. And I look at what I'm doing as if it were someone else.  
  
But one thing remains.  
My heart.  
  
I know what is happening exactly. Whether it is pain or happiness, I know what that other person is doing and thinking.  
These are things that cannot be erased from someone's memories.  
  
I walked to my bed and laid upon it with my arms crossed in the back of my head. I stared at the ceiling.  
  
No, I honestly wasn't bored. I was just very tired. I just finished a job yesterday and it took everything out of me.  
It's hard to function this way. I don't know how to communicate this to Hokuto, but as my twin, she always knows what to say and what to do with me.  
I never have to worry about her misunderstanding.  
  
But because of my powers, I was somehow outcasted from society. When people know what I do, they keep away from me. I guess that's how life goes.  
When they need someone to exorcise something or help from a paranormal assistant, they call on me as if we were formally friends or pals. I guess that's how the world works.  
  
So, that's why I liked Seishirou. Well, one of the many traits of his.   
  
As much as he teased me, he didn't push me away.  
In fact, there was one time I almost fainted from fatigue at home but denied that I didn't need any help. He instantly caught me before I hit the ground and carried me to my room.  
  
Maybe it was his kindness. Or...I don't know what made me love him so much.  
  
I don't even know how it got to be that much already or even that fast.   
  
Maybe it's foolish or too soon, but I didn't think so. I knew how I felt. And as much as an elder would like to scold me for my haste, I'd have to say that I am more mature than most sixteen-year-olds. Very disciplined. If I weren't, I couldn't be the heir to my clan.  
  
But I remember that same night, he took care of me with Hokuto and even stayed on the chair next to my bed. When I woke up, he was there sleeping with his eyes peacefully asleep. I smiled; and like a child, I reached out my hand for his face.  
Without thinking, I did. His eyes opened slowly and I pulled my hand away saying, "I'm sorry. I didn't know what I was doing."  
"No, that's okay."  
  
I thought he was going to crack a joke saying, "Are you in love with me yet?"  
  
"Thanks for taking care of me," I said to him. He got up and raised his hand. "No need to thank me."  
  
He then held my cheek and looked deeply into my eyes. "See you later."  
  
The door clicked as it closed behind him.  
  
  
I really do miss him. Even if it's just a meeting here in Tokyo...  
  
  
As I thought of this memory, my eyes became heavier and heavier. And then, I fell asleep.  
  
  
***  
  
Knock, knock.   
  
I opened my eyes and rubbed them as I got off the bed. "Did Hokuto-chan forget her keys again? Oh well."  
  
While yawning, I opened the door.   
  
My eyes blinked. "Seishirou-san?"  
  
He grinned at me. "Surprise?"  
  
"Well, yes...don't you have a meeting today?" I asked as he came into the apartment and took off his coat.  
  
"Yes, I did. I finished it as soon as I could and came back early."  
  
I nodded.  
  
"You know I can't stand being away from you," he answered without hesitation.  
  
I blushed and shook my head. "Stop kidding me."  
  
He pulled up my chin to look at him. "I wasn't."  
  
I gulped and turned around to walk into the kitchen. "Would you like something to drink?"  
  
"Coffee please."  
  
"Okay."   
  
I boiled the water across the counter as he sat on a stool.  
  
"So what did you do all day?"  
  
"Sleep. I've been really tired these days."  
  
"You've been sleeping all day? It's already 7:30pm."  
  
I looked at him. "Believe me, I was shocked too when I looked at the clock."  
  
"You can't change the subject, Subaru-kun. Did you miss me too?"  
  
"Of course I did. You're my friend, aren't you? I don't have many friends-"  
  
"You're such a bad liar. I'll note that." He looked at me looking at him with a blank face.  
  
"What? You want me to say, 'I missed you so much that I couldn't stand it'? Is that right?" I looked at him almost a bit annoyed.  
  
He looked at me deeply and seriously said, "I missed _you_ so much that I couldn't stand it."  
  
"Stop teasing me!" I shouted as I stepped back from the counter.   
  
I then glanced up at him. "Sorry...I didn't mean to yell."  
  
But I didn't know what to do. I was already so confused.   
  
Do you know what it feels to have something right in front of you knowing that you can't have it?  
That's the feeling I got. Every time I looked at him. And it honest-to-goodness hurt and ached 'til kingdom come.   
There was always something that told me deep inside of myself, "No matter what you do, you will never begin to understand him. You will never completely have him."  
  
I looked at him and that same voice said in my head at that moment, "And you will let him completely have you."  
  
  
You fool, Subaru!  
  
  
He looked at me confused. "Is there something wrong, Subaru-kun?"  
  
"Yes..." I whispered while looking down.  
  
"What is it-"  
  
The pot whistled.  
  
"Got to get the coffee." I turned around and started to prepare the coffee to serve to him and myself.  
  
"Tell me what's wrong."  
  
"I..." I stopped again.  
  
I want to say so many things. But they're all clashing at once and I can't seem to say anything.  
  
I turned around. "I..."  
  
So weak...Thud.  
  
  
***  
  
  
I woke up a few minutes later to find myself on my bed looking up to the familiar ceiling above my bed. Then, I turned my head to look at Seishirou.  
  
Hokuto-chan still wasn't back yet. I sighed.  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"You fainted."  
  
I nodded my head. "Sorry about that."  
  
"No, you don't have to apologize."  
  
Silence.  
  
"Subaru-kun...tell me what you were going to say."  
  
"There are so many things to say. I don't know what to say."  
  
"Then tell me why did you ask me to stop teasing you? If it bothers you that much, then I'll stop." Then, he looked at me again with that face that told me he wasn't lying. "But I meant what I said."  
  
"Seishirou-san, you can't possibly like me that much. How long have you known me?" I laughed at my statement trying to make it seem like a joke. "Besides, I'm a boy. A boy? Does this mean anything to you?"  
  
I was also trying to convince myself though I felt this heavy burden on my chest at that moment.  
  
"Why?" He then came closer to me. "Why does that have to mean anything?"  
  
Then, he kissed me on the lips.  
  
I looked at him shocked beyond belief with an expression of, "I saw what I thought you did do."  
  
Oh god, even my mind's messed up.  
  
"It does mean something." I protested.  
  
"I'll only care if it means anything to Subaru-kun. It doesn't concern me at all...whether you were born a boy or a girl."  
  
It was then that I asked with my life on the line and the one thing that I always wanted to ask, "What is wrong with you, Seishirou-san?! Aren't you going to call me strange? Aren't you going to leave me too like all the people I've met?! Everyone except Hokuto-chan?"  
  
These were the demons in my own head that wouldn't go away. These were the feelings and thoughts of one who had to care about everyone, but didn't feel cared for in return (Hokuto-chan always being the exception, but you know what I mean).  
  
The insecurities that plagued me in their unspoken whispers to my mind...  
  
It was then that my gloves became fists and my eyes deceived me.   
  
Plip. Plop.  
  
My tears were falling gracefully one by one onto my gloves. And I felt like a person looking down from a ledge in the rain. You were seeing raindrops fall straight down.  
  
He then hugged me with his arms around mine. Tightly...  
  
His glasses fell carelessly on the bed in back of me as he hugged me tighter and tighter. I was absorbing some of his aura and felt his loneliness too.  
  
I always felt so connected to Seishirou...  
  
  
"You are stupid, Subaru, if you think that." He then said in a joke, "No, I don't think you're strange. Damn to those people who think that way! Do you want me to do something about it?"  
  
Seishirou continued while whispering seriously in my ear, "I won't leave you. I won't ever leave you. Even later...even if you want me to."  
  
I began to cry even more.   
  
He was too stubborn to cry.  
  
It was then that I put my arms around him too to thank him wordlessly. But then he said something that I would keep close to myself from then on.  
  
Seishirou then embraced me even more. "I missed you."  
  
  
Saying it in a tone as if he had waited a long time for me...   
Waited a long time for me to grow up.  
  
  
"I can't ever leave you."   
  
In an even lower tone as if in slight regret, he finished,  
"I've tried already."  
  
  
--  
author's note: I cried. ;_; Do I have to say anything else about how much I liked making this?  
  
Yes, yes, I know my TB fics for these past two days have been waffy, but I really wanted something cute. Then again, after reading a fic where Subaru was naked...*drools and coughs at her weird thoughts* Well, you can't just beat beauty at its perfection, now can we?  
  
But I really felt breathless when it came to Subaru saying "You can't possibly..."  
  
*goes back to thinking of new fics to torture Clamp bishies...and Ank bishies...and Gundam wing bishies...and YnM bishies...*  
  
This is dedicated to you, Hiki-chan and Adri-chan.  
  
'shigoto' - job 


End file.
